does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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