literally had 100 drinks last night.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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