can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
