oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize