Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
