So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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