omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She even gives head with a lisp.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
