She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
