you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize