He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize