I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
