i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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