I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
