please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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