She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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