Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
