Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
