I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
