idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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