So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
