Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
