you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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