Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
