Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
