Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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