The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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