I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Help. Why am I so naked?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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