I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
