Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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