i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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