Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
