Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Less talking, more tequila
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
