I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
