fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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