official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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