here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
