at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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