I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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