I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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