I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
