as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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