why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
