in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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