i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
