Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
