I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
