I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
