he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
