i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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