You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
