She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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