guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
