WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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