I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
