I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
