the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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