I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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