I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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