The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
