dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
