And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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