I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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