i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
