My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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