just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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