the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
