Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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