i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
