wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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