Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Gay?
German.
Pity.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
