apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
