defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
