If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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