why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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