if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize